I remember that day. That morning I knew I had to let you go. I was so hopeful. I was so faithful. My pain was real. I wanted to un-do it. I wanted to rewind time. I was lonely. I felt like a small child, feelings on the ground. I had to be strong because people were watching, waiting on me to break. I remember the late night drives to the hospital just to see you lay there, breathing but not alert. My heat broke every time I left your room and couldn't take you home. Deep down I knew the nightmare would eventually end but I never knew you were my sacrifice to wake up.
I remember when your father was not strong enough to see you the way you were but I had to be. I was still your mommy. I hated not being able to be with you for 24 hours of the day. I have no idea the things they did to you when I wasn't around. The bad new never stopped. I felt the doctors were so tired of comforting me that their support began to diminish when the medical charges continued to rack up.
You know, the sad part was the midwife never showed up one time to the hospital. She never seen you one time in your hospital bed. I felt betrayed, to have put trust in someone and the treatment afterward being so diabolical, it was sad. The lady responsible for your delivery never came to see you. That hurt the most. What did I get myself into? Nights of no sleep, grief, depression and no to forget to mention everyone was upset with me because my decision.
It was enough to make you insane. I was enough to make you want to kill yourself. Everything was falling apart. My family, my marriage, my body was hurt, my heart had a large hole. I had never felt so alone in my life but I had a new baby girl. She was beautiful. I felt it was unfair to her because she was born under harsh circumstance and it wasn't her fault. I told myself I was going to have to pull myself together for her. She probably didn't see my smile until at least 3 months.
Pain is real. If you have ever lost a loved one you understand what I am saying. I decided to be grateful that I was still alive and my 1st twin was still able to bless me with her presence. Healing myself and my family took a long time. My husband and I are lucky to of had a strong friendship before we had children and marriage because I think that if it wasn't for our strong friendship and bond we wouldn't have made it after Aminah's death.
When I created this blog it was initially for my twin daughter Akilah. During my hard time I started the blog to just write my feeling down instead of keeping them bottled inside. I received so much criticism when I started the blog. Women wrote very mean, cruel, and unethical things to me despite my loss. I was called all type of names and I can't recall how many personal emails I got from people that shamed me. Many times I was a click away from deleting the whole blog but then I started receive positive feedback from the women that mattered the most. Women who were about to home birth and didn't have all the facts. Women thanked me from all over the world for sharing my story. I truly believe that was the point intended when I initially made this blog. My vision was to clouded then to realize it.
As my twin gets older I want her to have memories of her mother's fight and struggle to keep her sister's name relevant. The death of my daughter has made me the woman that I am today. Not a mother proud of the decision I made a few years ago but the way I handled my dilemma after the account. Never have I or would I ever try to ignore that fact that my daughter didn't live. What I will do is honor her name the best way I can.
-Memoirs from Dreah Louis
"The Midwife From Hell"
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