Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Doctor Talks

Twin Aminah and Twin Akilah

 When I first visited with him the day after my daughter was admitted into the NICU at Cardinal Glennon Hospital St. Louis he appeared to be annoyed by my circumstances with my "Home Birth Disaster". He kind of had an arrogant attitude you can say. He shook my hand and told me it wasn't good. He told me that Aminah went to long without oxygen and resulted in a brain injury. He told me that my daughter was pretty much brain dead and the only thing keeping her alive was the machine. He said that she would never do the things that her identical sister will be able to do. He advised my husband and I that it would be in our best interest to let Aminah pass. He gave us the option to take Aminah home and let her pass at home or just take away the tubes. I refused. I wasn't ready. I was in denial. I continued to visit everyday and Dr. Havernak passed me on many occasions in the halls of the hospital, the cafeteria, and even in the NICU. He was always very brief. Sometimes he said nothing at all. On the occasions that we did talk he explained Aminah's situation as he had done many times to many mothers like me. He told me that my circumstance was unfortunate and he was sorry. Come to remember he never asked me anything about the midwife or what happened that night. He didn't care. He wanted me to hurry and make a decision. He didn't say that but I felt it. Dr. Havernak told me about this obstetrician journal that he read one time, he explained how someone did an article on good candidates for home birth. He told me that I was not a good candidate. I then was faced with reality that I made a big mistake and my daughter had to pay for it with her life.

I did so much research on home birth, talk to so many midwives, watched home birth movies, talked to women who had home birth but all of that still didn't matter. I dreamed the perfect home birth with my husband and two children there embracing a beautiful moment instead I got blood, paramedics, and no midwives. After the birth I heard nothing from either midwife. The midwives disappeared without leaving a trace. Never called, never visited the hospital, never sat down and talked about that night. Dr. Havernak described how most doctors don't like the point of midwives having that much control over births especially because of some many things that can go wrong at home. He told me it was sad but he sees so many cases like mine. When me and my husband made the decision to pull the ventilator from Aminah the doctor told us that was it was the best choice we could have made. He shook my hand and walked out of the room. I cried as I watched him walk away. My husband and I scheduled for our daughter to pass at 1pm on June 17,2013. We didn't want to see her pass. We didn't want to be stuck with an image for the rest of our life seeing our daughter gasping for air. So we decided to take a few pictures for memories with the photographer from the hospital. As the photographer was moving my daughter around for pictures with her twin sister one of the nurses unplugged the ventilator on accident. My daughter started gasping for air. The nurses were trying to cover it up but I seen what happened.

I told my husband to leave the hospital room and I asked the nurse what was happening why was she gasping for air she didn't say anything. I told them they weren't suppose to take her off the machine until 1 pm and it was clearly noon. I left the hospital room angry and upset. I then found my husband at the car of the hospital parking lot crying. His pain was so powerful that it made me cry. We just hugged each other in the parking lot while it rained over our bodies. An African woman seen us crying in the parking lot and she stopped her car and got out and wrapped her hands around both of us and cried too. She said she didn't know what was wrong but we looked like we needed a hug. The nurse from the hospital called me after 1pm and told me Aminah did indeed pass at 12:40pm. It rained all day. I think our tears made it really rain that day. The saddest day of our life.

The Midwife From Hell

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