Pulling the Ventilator June 17, 2013

The picture above is of me holding my daughter Aminah second twin born. Here in the picture I am in the NICU of Cardinal Glennon Hospital St. Louis, Missouri.

June 17, 2013 my husband and I decided to let our daughter go. It was the hardest decision that we ever had to make. It's hard to make the decision to pull the ventilator from your child. Watching your child gasp for air. It's sick and twisted but I guess it had to be done. Apart of me always had hope that my daughter would come out of the hospital well and whole. Apart of you doesn't believe the doctors. I believed that my prayers would be answered and my baby girl that I carried 40 weeks was going to come home. One day your pregnant and the next day your planning funeral arrangements.

Everyday I went to that hospital day and night and sat with my daughter praying and asking her what she wanted me to do. I apologized to her. I was faced with a decision to take care of child that was going to need me every second of every single day for the rest of her life. My husband was mad at me and I was torn. My back was against the wall. I trusted a midwife that failed me. Luckily my husband and I are both strong and love each other dearly. We loved each other enough to grieve together and not separate. Incidents like this ruins families. I was called baby killer and ridiculed by family and friends for choosing to home birth. "If only you had went to the hospital", is what I heard on a daily.

So people wonder what I'm doing this for?

Aminah is who I'm doing it for. Justice is hard to seek in situations like this. All I can do is tell the story about the Midwife From Hell.